


Not Broken, Not Dirty, Not Damaged Goods

by Julia_Ai_Jamieson



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: A Loving and Caring Relationship, Date Rape Drug mentioned, Grounding, Hurt and comfort, Just about everyone is good to each other, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past manipulation, Pork Cutlet Bowls, Taking care of a s/o who has a panic attack, Talking, Trans Viktor if you squint a little, Victor Nikiforov's Past, Weighted Blanket, Yakov is also helpful and supportive, Yuuri is a helpful and supportive fiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 10:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12230895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_Ai_Jamieson/pseuds/Julia_Ai_Jamieson
Summary: Viktor felt as though he was drowning. Gasping for air, tears streaming from his eyes, his mug of hot chocolate was dropped onto the hard wood floor. He could vaguely hear someone talking to him, but everything just felt like one big messy blur. He could feel hands all over him, hands touching him, hands dirtying him, hands inside of him inside of him inside inside inside inside





	Not Broken, Not Dirty, Not Damaged Goods

Viktor felt as though he was drowning. Gasping for air, tears streaming from his eyes, his mug of hot chocolate was dropped onto the hard wood floor. He could vaguely hear someone talking to him, but everything just felt like one big messy blur. He could feel hands all over him, hands touching him, hands dirtying him, hands _inside of him inside of him inside inside inside inside_

          “Vitya, Viten’ka, can you hear me? Try to focus on my voice, okay?” A voice. It sounded nice, familiar. “Breathe for me. Nice and deep, in through your nose, out through your mouth, with me, okay?” Viktor did as the voice instructed. Things started getting clearer and clearer. The feeling of the hands all over him was fading. His hands still felt tingly and he couldn’t stop shaking, but now he could see the person in front of him. Yuuri. His fiancé. His life and love. “There we go. How are you feeling?” The man before him asked quietly, seeming happy to have helped Viktor steady himself.

          “I-I…” Viktor tried to stutter out, but the words seemed to be caught in his throat.

          “It’s okay, take your time. Do you need anything?” Viktor shook his head, clinging tightly to Yuuri, who held him securely, smiling. “It’s okay, Viten’ka. I’m here and I’m not gonna leave.” Yuuri murmured. Viktor sobbed harshly, burying his face in Yuuri’s chest, beginning to cry. Yuuri simply held him close, rubbing his back, letting him cry it out.

          Once the sobs had died down and the tears stopped flowing, Viktor seemed to fall asleep in Yuuri’s arms. The Japanese smiled at his Russian lover, hoisting him up to go to the bedroom where they would be more comfortable. “I’m s-sorry.” Viktor whimpered as Yuuri placed him down on the bed.

          “You have nothing to be sorry for, Viten’ka.” Yuuri explained as he picked up the weighted blanket that they used whenever either of them was feeling unwell in any way. Viktor sighed as he felt the blanket bundle him up in a cozy cocoon. Yuuri sat down beside him. “You wanna talk about what happened, or would you rather take a breather first?” Viktor stiffened.

          “I-I suppose I owe you an explanation.”

          “No, no, no, you don’t owe me anything.” Yuuri pressed a sweet kiss to Viktor’s forehead. “Take your time. Tell me about what upset you when and if you feel up to it.” Viktor nodded wordlessly before yawning, his eyelids becoming increasingly heavy. “Rest, darling. Take a nap if you like. I’ll take care of you.” Viktor nodded sleepily. “If you need anything, just call for me. I’ll be just a room away.” Yuuri walked toward the entrance to the bedroom. “Would you like the door open or shut? Lights off or on?”

          “Open and off.” Viktor muttered. Finally, Viktor fell into a deep sleep.

          _“P-please, not there…I don’t like this…” Viktor whimpered._

_“Oh, come on, Viktor, don’t be like that.”_

_“You’ll like this, I know you will.”_

_“It feels good, doesn’t it?”_

_“I-I can’t breathe.” Viktor choked out._

_“Now you’re just being dramatic.”_

_“Just look at how wet you are. Of course you like it.”_

_“It’s a shame you hate your body so much. It’ll all go to waste.”_

_“Please, stop, you’re hurting me!” Viktor sobbed._

_“I can stop, but then the deal will be off. Do you want that?” Viktor gulped._

_“N-no.”_

_“Then I’m gonna do what I fucking feel like.”_

Viktor woke up with a start, tears streaming from his eyes once more. The 10-pound blanket on top of him was soothing, just enough to ground him. “Y-Yuu…” he choked out, sobs interrupting him as he sat up. “Yuuri!” He finally managed to yell. Said Japanese came in not a moment later.

          “Oh, oh, Viktor…what happened? Did you have a nightmare?” Yuuri asked softly, cradling the older man. Viktor nodded.

          “I…I was raped, Yuuri.” He whispered, much to Yuuri’s surprise. “Before my debut in the senior division. Th-the officials wouldn’t let me compete in the men’s division because of my body; the only way they would change their minds was if I…I…” Viktor sobbed loudly, having kept quiet about this for so long that simply talking about it made it hurt all over again.

          “Oh, Viten’ka…it’s okay…I won’t let that ever happen again.”

          “Y-Yuuri…I’m broken, I’m so dirty, I’m…I-I’m damaged goods.” Yuuri shook his head, holding Viktor at arm’s length so he could look the shaking man in the eyes.

          “You’re not broken. You’re not dirty. And you’re certainly not damaged goods. You’re beautiful, strong, everything I could have asked for in a significant other and then some. The fact that you were raped changes nothing about any of that.”

          “I l-let it happen, Yuuri. I could have told them to stop at any time, but I didn’t because it was the only way I could get into the senior men’s division.”

          “They were manipulating and abusing you. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.” Yuuri rubbed Viktor’s back as the Russian continued sobbing.

 

          “I suppose it was only a matter of time before he told you.” Yakov said over the phone. Viktor had since gone back to sleep, this time more peacefully than the last. Yuuri had decided to call Yakov because he was the only one Yuuri could think of who Viktor may have also shared this with.

          “Did you already know about this?” Yuuri asked.

          “Yes, I did. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t worth taking up such a terrible offer and that if we just created a petition to get them to change their minds it would all work out, but he never was much of a listener, nor was he one to wait that long.”

          “It all just sounds so horrible. I can’t even imagine…” Yuuri couldn’t see Yakov for obvious reasons, but he could imagine the older man nodding at that sentiment. “Um, I just want to know if there’s anything else that happened that I might need to know about? Like, were you there for him?”

          “Vitya came to my apartment after it happened. I don’t know if his family knew about it, but I was there when the deal was made so I knew he could come to me after and I would understand what he felt. I’ll tell you, he looked nothing like the boy you know now. His eyes looked like those of a soldier after a particularly hard battle, his hair, which was still long at that time, was a complete mess, his face was blotchy and his eyes were puffy from crying. I asked him if he needed anything, a ride home perhaps. He told me that he would rather not go home right now and that he needed a shower. After what was done to him, I could understand and showed him to the bathroom. He was in there for well over an hour, so of course I was concerned. I knocked and asked if everything was okay. I could hear him crying when he said that he was fine, so I decided to leave him alone. After another hour passed, I became more concerned and asked him why he was taking so long in there. He told me that he just felt too dirty to leave; I tried to tell him that if the water wasn’t cold then it would be soon and that he had to get out of there eventually. Finally, after another half hour, he did come out. His skin looked as though he’d rubbed it raw and it appeared he’d given himself a haircut while he was in there. I gave him some old clothes of mine to use as pajamas and fixed his hair so it looked, at the very least, presentable. I asked him why he cut it in the first place, since he’d always seemed to love it so much. He said that he just needed to change. After that, I had him eat a few crackers and drink some water before going to bed. By the time I woke up, he was in bed with me; I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to sleep alone after all that happened. After that, life returned to its relative normalcy, the only exception being that for months after the incident Vitya seemed to flinch when asked about whether he had a lover, or anything to that effect.” Yuuri nodded, though Yakov couldn’t see.

          “Thanks for telling me.”

          “Look, Vitya hurts more than he lets on. I’m sure you’re aware of that. Be careful with him. This whole situation was a vulnerable time for him and I imagine he’s in a very fragile state if he told you about it.”

          “Yeah. He had a panic attack, and now that you gave me some background I think I understand why. After the attack, I let him take a nap and he ended up having a nightmare, and then he told me about the incident.” Yakov sighed.

          “If he needs it, I’d be willing to allow the two of you to take a day off from training tomorrow.” Yuuri smiled softly.

          “Thanks, Coach; we’ll cross that bridge when we reach it.”

          “Alright then. Call me back later to let me know how Vitya’s doing and whether you two plan to show up tomorrow.”

          “I will.” Yuuri hung up and decided to go to the kitchen to cook some dinner for himself and Viktor. Makkachin was sleeping outside the bedroom. She’d been camped out there since she could tell Viktor was troubled. Finally, the white-haired Russian stepped out of the bedroom, seeming very groggy. Makkachin’s tail began to wag when she saw her owner, thumping against the hard wood floor.

          “Hey, Vitya. How are you feeling?” Yuuri said, smiling at his fiancé. Viktor shrugged, sitting down on the couch. “Are you hungry? I’m making some pork cutlet bowls.” Viktor nodded, smiling softly. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

          “U-um…maybe after you’ve finished cooking.” Viktor said as Makkachin climbed onto the couch, resting on his lap.

          “It’s okay. If you don’t want to talk about it I won’t force you.”

          “N-no. I think I’ve kept this bottled up too long.” Viktor softly ran his hand over Makkachin’s back, the old dog practically melting over his legs. A peaceful silence took over, neither man wanting to interrupt it. It felt good. After the commotion of the earlier events of the day, the quiet was nice, like the warm, weighted blanket that still rested on the bed.

          Finally, Yuuri brought the favorite meal over to Viktor and they began to eat. Viktor had always loved Yuuri’s cooking; it tasted remarkably similar to Hiroko’s, whom he assumed taught Yuuri to cook in the first place, and it had a very homey feeling to it. “So, uh, can you tell me what caused you to panic?” Yuuri asked.

          “Um…it was the way that man on the TV was talking, I think. It reminded me of the people who…y’know…”

          “Would you mind clarifying?”

          “U-um…the way he was talking so sweetly, and calling the other characters ‘dear’ or ‘kid’. Th-the way he teased about the cleavage a woman had, reminded me of…” Viktor’s breath had begun to stutter; Yuuri, seeing the start of another attack, began helping him through one of their favorite grounding methods.

          “Okay, name five things here that you can see.”

          “I-I see…you, the table, um…the books, u-uh, the chopsticks, and…the walls.”

          “Good, now four things you can touch.”

          “The couch, Makka…um, um…” Yuuri softly rested a hand on Viktor’s shoulder.

          “It’s okay, take your time.” Viktor took a deep breath before continuing.

          “Your hand, and my clothes.”

          “Now, three things you can hear.”

          “Your voice, my voice, and our neighbor’s phone.”

          “Two things you can smell.”

          “The pork cutlet bowls and Makka. We need to give her a bath.” Yuuri grinned at Viktor’s remark.

          “And something you can taste?”

          “The pork cutlet bowls.” Yuuri’s thumb traced comforting circles into the back of Viktor’s hand.

          “There we go. Do you want to keep talking about this, or would you rather drop the subject?” Viktor shook his head, undeterred. “Okay, so how did you feel after it happened?”

          “I f-felt dirty…and…like death.” Tears began to well up in Viktor’s eyes as he recalled that night. “Everything that happened there is still so fresh in my mind, it feels like it just happened a few minutes ago…” Makkachin whined slightly, observing her humans’ unhappiness. Viktor patted her comfortingly. Yuuri sighed, recalling his own story.

          “You probably don’t want to hear this, but maybe it’ll help?” Viktor raised an eyebrow.

          “What is it?”

          “It’s…something that happened to me in college. Um, I was at a bar with a couple friends of mine, celebrating a birthday, I believe, and a girl came over to me and I could tell she was flirting with me, and I tried to let her know I wasn’t interested. She didn’t take the hint, and came back later with a drink for me. I wanted to tell her ‘no’ but, c’mon, I was 21 years old, and had just finished a particularly stressful semester. Of course I took it. I remember feeling kind of weak and dizzy after that; I assumed at first that it was the alcohol. But, then that girl who’d been hitting on me started dragging me out of the bar, and at that point I was too fucked up to call for help or fight back. She gave me another drink, and I vaguely remember her telling me it was water to help me avoid a hangover. I know that that was a heaping pile of bullshit because I don’t remember anything after that drink. When I woke up the next morning, I was naked in a bed I didn’t recognize. It was then that I realized I’d been drugged and raped.” Viktor was stunned.

          “What did you do?” he asked.

          “I found my clothes on the floor, and after I was dressed I left the place and once I got my bearings I called Phichit and asked him to come pick me up. When he saw the state I was in, he seemed to understand what happened and spent the rest of the day comforting and taking care of me. My anxiety was especially bad for a few weeks after that, and to this day I can’t go to a bar without feeling particularly anxious.” Yuuri sighed. “I’ve told that story to a few therapists, and I’ve tried to tell my family, but whenever I feel like trying the words just get stuck in my throat and I can’t get it out.”

          “That’s how I felt when I thought about telling my Moms. They’re nice and understanding people and I’m sure they’d do what they can to help me, but I just can’t seem to say it.” Yuuri scooted closer to Viktor.

          “Would you be comfortable if I lean on your shoulder? I just want to cuddle right now.” Viktor nodded, allowing Yuuri to rest his head on the Russian’s shoulder. Their fingers intertwined as soft smiles grew on their lips. Nothing needed to be said anymore. The couple was comfortable and happy.


End file.
